The Evil Wind

another day another fight

2009-04-03T00:04:00.000-07:00

rather than talk about what it was about..because it is always the same thing, let me say what happens in me.

my head starts hurting, there is pressure in my eyes, my neck gets stiff, as does my shoulders. I want to punch something, I want to run away. but all those feels are bottled up. my stomach turns to acid and starts to hurt

it takes hours to recover.

babies

2009-03-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

Life is moving on without me. I feel like everything is moving so fast and I just want to stop the world. I find that I don't leave my room much. It is more peaceful that way. When I leave my room, I rush so I can get back again. It is too stressful to be with everyone else.

Was listening to a song that had a perfect quote
"Dreams in which I am dying are the best I have ever had. Mad World"

I want a baby more than anything in the world.

Phrases I HATE

2008-11-13T20:14:00.000-08:00

"after the test"
"when you are settled"
"shouldn't think of that now,"
"save it for afterwards"
"we are all waiting for you"

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK<--don't hate this phrase

I feel like smashing my keyboard against a pole. Ever watch Office Space? The scene with the copy machine. THAT IS ME right now. First, my mother constantly is doing it, now, one of the last two people that keep me "sane" is starting to do it. I swear one day I am going to fucking just give this shit up, LEAVE and give no forwarding address.

Oh and it gets better

2008-09-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

Mom starts telling me that Dad is not going to the doctor for his sugar and knee and heart problems because he is waiting for my exam to end! GREAT

I am cursing

2008-09-15T16:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, day was going fine. I studied today. Fine...doing well with the questions, doing well with memorizing slides. FINE.....I even had time to bake carrot cake. FINE. I played a game with my mother on the computer FINE!.

Dad comes home........fucking pisses me OFF! starts ranting about how I am not working hard and how he had it so bad and that I am not doing enough. How I keep on delaying the damn exam and making it seem like I am doing it on purpose! FUCKING IT IS HARD WORK! I so wanted to say so many things to him but I didn't.
I just told mom that I would have dinner later and went to my room. ONLY TO HAVE HER FOLLOW ME. Fine, she means well but she needs to learn not to bother me when I am MAD
Anyway.

Interesting

2008-05-21T18:20:00.000-07:00

My father is being suspiciously nice to me. Upbeat even. My fiance and I built a raised vegetable garden yesterday and dad seemed very happy about it. He has also be pleasant to me. I wonder how long this will last.

Well, things are back on course again

2008-05-12T16:48:00.001-07:00

Got back from a week in Brooklyn. Had a horrible cold..still not over it. Wheezing and coughing a lot. Dad is still making comments about me. It wasn't too bad on Saturday. Him just reminding me that I haven't done anything good. Today, while my mother was having a conversation with my uncle on the phone regarding the graduations that are going on, Dad starts commenting how everyone has graduated except me and then leaving in a grumpy huff.

If I wasn't feeling so tired and sick I would probably have been more upset. Mom and my grandmother certainly got indignant for me. I just finished up my dinner, helped put the things away, went to my room and locked the door. Then started typing this. Well, lets see how long it takes me to feel utterly horrible again.

2008-05-08T13:09:00.001-07:00

Interesting scene

well, feeling better today

2008-05-05T09:37:00.001-07:00

Sure enough, I think being home is a bad thing. I am currently at my finance's house. He and my sister and the only ones in my immediate life that make me happy. It only took one evening and my spirits lifted. Things are just too stressful at home. I have a better relationship with my parents when I am away from home. Even my mother thinks so. Not that she wants me to go away. She just knows that the basic tension between my father and me dissipates when I am not home. She also knows that I am more at ease when he isn't home either :P

I really don't know what happened in our relationship. (Me and my dad) Mom says she thinks it dates back to middle school when I had my "first" boyfriend. I mean, it was a one day thing and was done in innocence. Ever since then, she noted that my dad likes to criticize me all the time.

My father made a comment to me the other day that before I went to college I was good but then as soon as I went to college, I went downhill. I just remember having conflicts all through highschool.

It has gotten worse and then better. I don't feel comfortable talking with my father. I am always on super polite mode with him. Very formal. He always seems to be finding some fault with me.

This weekends crashing emotions stemmed from the fact that my cousin graduated from medical school. She is smart, slim, friendly, smiling and outgoing. Now she is a doctor. Basically, everything my father wants for me. I have been struggling to pass my step exam for my license. I have troubling smiling now a days, I am in debt because of med school and money is short. further more, I haven't passed that exam and I gained weight from sitting and studying all the time. All things my father seemingly hates.

I loved the interaction between my cousin and her parents. So open and friendly. I try to avoid my parents because they stress me out all the time. I know my father loves me (My mother, I really don't have issues with right now...she has been a savior in more ways than one) but doesn't show me in a way that I need. His way, although useful and practical, doesn't help me emotionally. He looks to my future stability in finances and career. But he also criticizes me and takes out his bad moods on me. If he has a hard day at work, I better avoid him so that I don't get the brunt of his anger.

All I want is for him to hug me and give me words of comfort. I want closeness and ease with him. I would give up all the financial stuff if it would bring us closer. Instead, we have a wall, distance and I feel like a burden to him.

My finance is similar to my father LOL by way of thinking and planning for the future and I love that about him. But the most important part is that he gives me emotionally everything my father doesn't. I love him so much and I am so lucky that I have him.

well enough rambling for today.

I don't know which is worse

2008-05-04T14:12:00.001-07:00

At the moment, I don't know which is worse

1) I feel like a burden to my family and fiance and at the moment I there is nothing I can do about it.

2) My father seems to have lost all respect for me, just because I am not as smart as some people.

3) My father wishes I was someone else

4) I wish I was someone else

Ironically, the best feeling of the day is that I want to be dead. (see previous post about I want to die)

Going away for the week. Got a temp job and will be back on Saturday.

Well, Vent Time

2008-05-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

It occured to me that I needed a place to vent. I have a lot of fustrations and I need to get them out before they take over. So, here it is TheEvilWind.blospot.com I don't have this site necessarily for everyone to see...but if you do come across it you are welcome to type. I may not respond. This is merely a tool to vent.

So let me begin.

Right now, there is a feeling of fustration and rage deep in my heart that makes my throat constrict and my head hurt. I want to punch and damage things and scream until I can't scream anymore. I want to punch some certain people. I need them to know what rage they make me feel. I want them to know how much they hurt me.

Unfortunately I don't show my anger outward. I can't bring myself to hit, scream, bite and rage. I don't know how to release these feelings. Every day, hell, every hour that passes by, this feeling gets worse and worse.

I want to die. Now before I continue with this, I have no guts, so I won't kill myself or anything. But I want to die. Now. I want to have relief from all these feelings. I don't want anymore of this reponsibilities that I have. I want to take a bunch of pills, or drive my car off a bridge. Hell, there is a bridge that is famous in my area for people to jump off from. Three or four recently did just recently. I know how they feel. I wouldn't do it. Knowing me, I would jump and not die. I would probably be paralyzed or something or live in chronic pain for the rest of my so called life.

Yeah, even typing all of this makes me feel like a whiney brat or something. If I were to trying and think logically, I know that the people around me that are hurting me don't do it because they hate me. They are trying to help and can't help but show their disapointment and upsets and take it out on me.

Last though. There is not swear word that sufficiently expresses what I want to say right now. There is no sound or action either. Everything falls short.