another day another fight

rather than talk about what it was about..because it is always the same thing, let me say what happens in me.

my head starts hurting, there is pressure in my eyes, my neck gets stiff, as does my shoulders. I want to punch something, I want to run away. but all those feels are bottled up. my stomach turns to acid and starts to hurt

it takes hours to recover.

babies

Life is moving on without me. I feel like everything is moving so fast and I just want to stop the world. I find that I don't leave my room much. It is more peaceful that way. When I leave my room, I rush so I can get back again. It is too stressful to be with everyone else.

Was listening to a song that had a perfect quote
"Dreams in which I am dying are the best I have ever had. Mad World"

I want a baby more than anything in the world.

Phrases I HATE

"after the test"
"when you are settled"
"shouldn't think of that now,"
"save it for afterwards"
"we are all waiting for you"

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK<--don't hate this phrase

I feel like smashing my keyboard against a pole. Ever watch Office Space? The scene with the copy machine. THAT IS ME right now. First, my mother constantly is doing it, now, one of the last two people that keep me "sane" is starting to do it. I swear one day I am going to fucking just give this shit up, LEAVE and give no forwarding address.

Oh and it gets better

Mom starts telling me that Dad is not going to the doctor for his sugar and knee and heart problems because he is waiting for my exam to end! GREAT

I am cursing

Ok, day was going fine. I studied today. Fine...doing well with the questions, doing well with memorizing slides. FINE.....I even had time to bake carrot cake. FINE. I played a game with my mother on the computer FINE!.

Dad comes home........fucking pisses me OFF! starts ranting about how I am not working hard and how he had it so bad and that I am not doing enough. How I keep on delaying the damn exam and making it seem like I am doing it on purpose! FUCKING IT IS HARD WORK! I so wanted to say so many things to him but I didn't.
I just told mom that I would have dinner later and went to my room. ONLY TO HAVE HER FOLLOW ME. Fine, she means well but she needs to learn not to bother me when I am MAD
Anyway.

Interesting

My father is being suspiciously nice to me. Upbeat even. My fiance and I built a raised vegetable garden yesterday and dad seemed very happy about it. He has also be pleasant to me. I wonder how long this will last.

Well, things are back on course again

Got back from a week in Brooklyn. Had a horrible cold..still not over it. Wheezing and coughing a lot. Dad is still making comments about me. It wasn't too bad on Saturday. Him just reminding me that I haven't done anything good. Today, while my mother was having a conversation with my uncle on the phone regarding the graduations that are going on, Dad starts commenting how everyone has graduated except me and then leaving in a grumpy huff.

If I wasn't feeling so tired and sick I would probably have been more upset. Mom and my grandmother certainly got indignant for me. I just finished up my dinner, helped put the things away, went to my room and locked the door. Then started typing this. Well, lets see how long it takes me to feel utterly horrible again.